Firing Time

It's very odd.

Sometimes weeks feel like days.
And days feel like weeks.
I think time is slacking on some of his duties.
I think I might fire him altogether since he seems to be such a bother.

Inner Peace

I suddenly realized that no land could give me comfort and no one could give me peace but that I had to find and give it to myself.

I felt as if someone had poisoned my stomach.

The Naggings of Poverty : The Culture of the Poor

Sometimes I struggle to stay positive. I think of all the rich kids and hate them for their wealth. Part of my despises it and part of me has such jealousy burning inside. I would use the money to continue my education, I could move and find a job and provide for myself. Instead, I see them flying across the world, pasting pictures of their 'holidays' (which seem to never end) in Spain, Morrocco and other such destinations. I sit at my parents place, working since I was 15 and before that cleaning the house for my mother without allowance. I've been saving my money since I was five and still feel like I never have enough.

I'd like to think that the battle of the classes has been surpressed in Canada, that money has been dispersed but it's all a lie. The rich still prosper and the poor still strive. I've realized my class in life. Perhaps with a bit of enthusiasm and Weberian methodology I could rise to the top but my chances are slim. So I've decided that creating my own business is the next thing to do. I'll be my own boss. I may not be rich but hopefully I can make a content life for myself and rid myself of my  hatred towards the rich.

Even though they may work hard, and that they cannot control their wealthy circumstances as some 'woe to them' have been born into wealth. No, no, the culture of the poor will have to do for me. That is if I had a choice, because the poor, we don't have a choice. Our only choice is to ignore the naggings of money and focus on what we can find content in. But some days I must admit can be quite challenging, but the good thing is: you're not alone.

The Importance of Being Wise

Wisdom is not only accepting what you know is right, but accepting where you are wrong.

I think that a lot of heart ache and pain from relationships is based upon this. Stubborness can destroy what can otherwise be healthy relationships. By accepting and acknowledging where you are wrong, you allow yourself to grow, and opportunities for relationships to grow.

The night I was to watch a man die.

Last night a man was taken off life support. That man was my uncle. On other nights I would be off to watch a movie in the theatre, but that night I was to watch a man die.

I know I'm young and have much to learn. But I realized, as my mother heaved, crying for her brother ,that pain has many layers. I realized that the pain I felt for my mother was more than what I feel often in my own experiences of pain. I couldn't do anything for her. My words and comfort could never heal her pain and in that I felt a pain so deep and helpess. A sense of despair that all I could do was witness her grieving.

I sat and waited. I never saw a person die. Take their last gulps of breath. I was petrified. I kept trying to think of it as natural. Eating, sleeping..dying. They took him off of the oxygen and he began to gulp for breath. It was terrifying. We said prayers around him and our family all put our hands on his chest. He kept breathing. Gulping for breath, but continuing on.

I went to watch a man die. But he I never saw it. Instead then, I saw my family together around him sharing stories and memories, realizing that death also is not something sad. That it brings family together , I felt a bit guilty when we were laughing about memories but then I knew he'd want to be passing while surrounded by laughter.

It's an odd thing, death. My mother says she's not scared of it. When I googled death I see why society seems so frightened with the dark, foreboding images.

 My uncle is continuing to breathe his last breathes. I guess he wanted to give me a show afterall. Our family are fighters, even when death is our standing opponent.

Everything in Moderation

I guess in life our goal is to reach some sort of level of happiness or content. A place where we feel free, unburdened. But of course life isn't like that. We need to suffer and we need to be joyous. Sometimes it takes time to go from one to the other while other times it can quickly change from day to hour to minute to second.

Life would be nothing without sorrow.
Life would be nothing without joy.

So we must indulge in both to live.

It's a very hard balance to find. And it is also difficult to get confused between pleasure and joy which are two very different things. However, too we must balance our pleasure and allow ourselves once in a while to be pleased.

So when you are sad, know that if you did not know sadness, neither would know joy. So when you are joyful your heart can truly bask in it.

And when you are joyous, know that if you did not joy, neither would you know sadness. For what would joy be if there was no understanding of how precious it was and what dark places it rescues us from.

Just to be thankful...

To be thankful is often overlooked. I grew up praying before every meal which disappeared once I left for university. It was odd for me at first because automatically before I ate I would pause and I remember going to friends' places and pausing and then realizing that they didn't pray.

I spent a few weeks in Egypt at a development camp and there a man told me that every night he thanks God for ten things before he goes to bed. I'm not the best for keeping good habits such as this, and I tried it for awhile and it was wonderful. I'm trying to continue it now and I've had friends do this and say it causes some sort of peacefulness to arise in them.

I realize how fortunate I am and sometimes I come to the point that I am ashamed. I do not know why God has given me so much where there are people who are so much better than me, so much more dedicated to helping others. But I guess at the end of the day, it is your spirit that you can be most thankful for. As was written by Kahlil Gibran, 'it is but little when you give of your possessions, it is when you give of yourself that you truly give.'

So give thanks to God or to whom you worship. Always remind yourself that the power you hold is not in your possessions/ or your wealth, that it is in your spirit which is strongest when it is in the most poorest, direst state. But by giving thanks you humble your spirit and you encourage it to grow for challenges ahead. Kind of like excercising before a big race, because let's face it, sometimes it seems like we'll never make it but with strength we will.